Sunday, August 14, 2016

Where is ice when you need it, Houston Eater no help

HOUSTON EATER'S PERFECTLY-TIMED (H)EAT ADVISORY

What's that URL again?
Never mind the ambient heat and humidity in the dog days of summer (add abundant H20 to your liking to round off the experience), the Houston Eater (TM) finds occasion to impel you toward "piping-hot" Houston restaurants. Not one, not two, an entire hand-countable and attention-span-amenable bevy of five, rather than the ordinary mind-numbing tally of dozens. No more. No less. Still, little comfort it is that one of them promises a good Snooze.

How will you get relief and respite at a certified hotspot when what you are pining for is a place that is really cool? And has been for a while. A Houston Heatmap is the last thing you need this time of the year. It's not like the sear isn't everywhere. It's not like the storied climatic condition needs sophisticated monitoring and pin-pointing of focal points with GPS-verified coordinates. Oppressive caloric energy is anything but pit-bound. It is omnipresent indeed, and best enjoyed in its glorious absence.

What we need, DEAR HOUSTON (H)EATER, is a chill map. No sweat. Directions to and reviews of the coolest Icehouses and mist-infused patios, preferably with a duo of beakers filled with glacier runoff rather than a glossy sweat-rich pair of malleable twin peaks. And don't just tell us about the six most anticipated bars and breastaurants that merely promise an envigorating, if not big, bone-stiffening chill.
 
They better be up and running the ice machine at full throttle already. Rain or shine, slime or no slime. Long live Marvin Zindler. May he chill in peace. And if you don't have the manpower to create a map of bona-fide if not bone-chilling ice houses around sweltering H-Town, at least point us to the nearest Icebox. And all the other handy shops and stops and seven-elevens, where we can get a handful or a pack of six, of what it takes to chill without frill, and get our fix.

Casino clams on Arthur Avenue may just not be for every member of the General Public. Not everyman's Bowl or Barrel, so to speak. ICE IS. -- And so is a cool one or two. Or a couple of Margaritas on the rocks. Rocks have stood the test of time. Some ladies, especially the really hot ones, the ones that rank high in the charts but never lose their cool, even bank on the premise that rocks are forever.

Keep on rocking. Be cool and just chill. Don't save the hot spots for another occasion. Save them for another season.

Some spend all day and night trying to elude ICE to escape doom in the South, while others are on a quixotic quest for ice and just seem destined to failure, as the pics below attest: 

SHUCK IT, IT'S SHUTTERED: 
THE DAM ICE HOUSE IS CLOSED FOR GOOD WHEN YOU MOST NEEDED IT 
THAT'S NOT GOOD, THAT'S AS BAD AS IT GETS. BE DAMMED.


WENT ALL THE WAY TO WEST ALABAMA, AND GUESS WHAT?
THE ICE HOUSE HAD A MELTDOWN, AND YOU CAN SEE IT FROM PARKING LOT AT THE LAUDROMAT. WHICH -- ALL-TERRITORIALLY -- INFORMS  APPROACHING VESSELS OF WHEEL-BOUND KIND "NO ICE HOUSE PARKING". LIKE IT WERE THE BERING SEA, AND NOT THE SOUTH CHINESE ONE THAT THE LAUNDROMAT GUY MAY HAVE IN MIND. - WHAT ICE HOUSE?  


ICY ROADS, YAH, RIGHT....LET'S LIE DOWN AND TAKE A ROLL ON THE PAVEMENT,  THEN HEAD FOR THE GOOD FOOD WHEN WE  READY AGAIN FOR SOMETHING SIZZLING FROM THE MOTORIZED GRILL. 


WELL, GUESS, GOTTA MAKE DO WITH WHAT'S ON HAND: 
 COW ICE IN THE INTERIM  


FINALLY, A BIG ICEBOX COMES INTO VIEW WHILE HEADING OUT WEST.
LET HOPE IT'S NOT A FATA MORGANA, WHAT WITH ALL THOSE MEDITERRANEAN THINGS SPROUTING IN THAT FOOD DESERT ON THE WAY TO CINCO RANCH.
WELL, IT SAYS CHEVRON OUT FRONT NOW ... WHICH SOUNDS RATHER MORE CAL THAN TEX;  BUT LET'S HOPE THE PENGUINS HAVEN'T DEPARTED  


AND IF ANYONE SHOULD WONDER WHAT THAT SMART-ALLEY-KEY REFERENCE TO TWIN PEAKS WAS ALL ABOUT -- WHAT WITH BELOVED HOUSTON BEING SO FLAT -- IT'S AN EVER-SO-SUBTLE ALLUSION TO THE ONE WITH THE TANK  ATOP ...


.... UNTIL IT CAME DOWN WITH  A BANG. --
THANK YOU -- MEN. 
TWO AND AND A HALF, AND THEN SOME ...
ALL JUST ENJOYING THE SCENIC VIEWS  


... PERHAPS TO BECOME MORE FAMILY-FRIENDLY LIKE LUPE NEXT DOOR,
THE ONE THAT WOULD DIE FOR A RED PICK-UP MAN WILLING TO WAIT IN THE BUSHES FOR JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT TO MAKE HIS MOVE.


TRUE LOVE NEEDS SOME HATCHING: LONG LIVE HOT CHILE 
NOT TO MENTION THE ECSTASY OF A FULL HELPING OF STEAMY ENCHILADAS  


AND IN THE SPIRIT AND MANTRA OF NO BLOG POST WITHOUT A LIFE-ALTERING LESSON:  HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE, MAN, LEST YOU END UP LIKE THE CRIMSON PICK-UP DUDE  LYING IN WAIT, PLOTTING THE NEXT MOVE: DON'T FORGET THE FROST-CHASE-WHATEVER CARD: JUST DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT. -- WHETHER YOU SEEK HATCH, HITCH, OR BURNING HOT CHICK
EN FAJITA WITH CHILE.

Brought to you by FAILED HUMORISTS ANONYMOUS
- Thanks for supporting the loopy, in and out, and all the way through.



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